A Lesson in Faithfulness
My fiancé likes Manchester Orchestra. One day he sent me, "Every Stone" from their Hope album. After listing to it, he played the same song again but in a different style, by the same artist.
I listened as the layers unraveled to reveal a multi-faceted piece of music. Manchester Orchestra first came out with, Cope, a gritty, real-life album - then they followed it with Hope which was compiled of the same songs in a more relaxed, acoustic version. Something about this concept grabbed hold of my thoughts.
I don't know if it was the part of me that loves covers because just one alteration to a performance can change the emotions and delivery of a song, or if was the idea that we can go through the same thing twice but have different experiences due to perspective, or if I just love the idea that it's all in how you look at it - or listen to it in this case.
I can tell you pretty easily, the past three years have been the most trying in my life. I can tell you I haven't been strong enough for them. And I can tell you I'm learning more than I ever thought I would.
I'm writing my own "Cope" album of sorts. It's filled with questions for God, insecurities, self-awareness, trusting, weakness, and the last track is faithfulness. I haven't loved living out those moments, and until recently I couldn't imagine how "Hope" would sound.
I've been taught my whole life a lot of lies, and I've been waking up to them. It was a comfortable sleep, and in the midst of my lack sometimes I miss my ignorance to life's injustices, emptiness, and understanding that time doesn't heal anything. These realities at first left me feeling bitter and burdened. I fought to find my significance again. I asked God for answers that He can't give me now. I wished for a different reality. I've hoped for a reality that doesn't give me panic attacks. I've prayed for a heart to defy my stubborn mind. All of this in vain.
And when I reached out for God to reassure me with knowledge, or forgetfulness, or joy beyond understanding - He said something I didn't want Him to say.
He said be faithful. He said learn from everyone, quiet your arrogance that you "know", sweet girl, you don't. He said you need help - you always have. He said give me those burdens, love. Stop with your distractions. Stop with your busyness. You keep looking to people for empathy and healing. I am your empathy. I was a man, for you - and my children. Humanity understands your tears, so do I. But I also knew you'd cry them before your life began. Don't you think my heart breaks?
I've been trying to force myself into "Hope" but the Lord has asked me to sit in "Cope". He has me here for good reason, and I'm not fighting it anymore. I am listening. I've spent a lot of time away from my creative space because nothing seems to flow or fit like it did. But it's because I wasn't supposed to be talking.
And perhaps one of the sweetest gifts is that in the silence that surrounds my heart - God has used music to make me feel loved. I pray that in your life, in the most confusing, saddest moments God carries you in the unique way the world can't parallel His efforts. For me it's playlists of healing. Songs that remind me He is worthy of praise in every season, songs that challenge me to be honest, and songs that tell me how to share His grace.
A lot of songs have hit me lately, but none like NF's new song, "If You Want Love". I want love for my life. I want to be a reflection of the Father's love. In the darkness of our world - some nights I just pray, "love for my world, love". I kept feeling like light wasn't here or worth the fight. I let myself be lazy and listen to Satan's delusions. I was not promised a life without trouble, none of us were. This song tells me that's okay, but if I want love - I'm going to have to treat it like it matters and that means being uncomfortable.
If you want love, you gonna have to go through the pain
I feel this line for the joy and honor I had in my mom. I was so loved by her and vice versa. To feel that presence of unconditional love for so long, in her absence I have pain. That pain is proof - I was so cherished, and I was blessed beyond belief.
If you want love, you gonna have to learn how to change
I feel this in my relationships. I can't thrive without compromise. I can't express compassion without making room for someone else's preferences. In my context, I have to challenge my thoughts, any hidden prejudices, and lose the fear of being misunderstood. I must pursue grace instead.
If you want trust, you gonna have to give some away
I am honestly the least trusting person I know. Not that blind trust is always a good thing, but I am skeptical to a fault. I rarely allow people my full trust. It's crippling, I can only imagine. But this line I feel most for the Lord. I want Him to help me trust, but I never give any trust. I'm just always ready on the defense for when someone fails me.
But I want love.
And there's one thing I'm learning love is: faithful. all weather. regardless. showing up. full of grace. tired, but present. Understanding. Quiet in pain. sits by you.
"If you want love, you gonna have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gonna have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gonna have to give some away
If you want love, if you want love"
-NF
I listened as the layers unraveled to reveal a multi-faceted piece of music. Manchester Orchestra first came out with, Cope, a gritty, real-life album - then they followed it with Hope which was compiled of the same songs in a more relaxed, acoustic version. Something about this concept grabbed hold of my thoughts.
I don't know if it was the part of me that loves covers because just one alteration to a performance can change the emotions and delivery of a song, or if was the idea that we can go through the same thing twice but have different experiences due to perspective, or if I just love the idea that it's all in how you look at it - or listen to it in this case.
I can tell you pretty easily, the past three years have been the most trying in my life. I can tell you I haven't been strong enough for them. And I can tell you I'm learning more than I ever thought I would.
I'm writing my own "Cope" album of sorts. It's filled with questions for God, insecurities, self-awareness, trusting, weakness, and the last track is faithfulness. I haven't loved living out those moments, and until recently I couldn't imagine how "Hope" would sound.
I've been taught my whole life a lot of lies, and I've been waking up to them. It was a comfortable sleep, and in the midst of my lack sometimes I miss my ignorance to life's injustices, emptiness, and understanding that time doesn't heal anything. These realities at first left me feeling bitter and burdened. I fought to find my significance again. I asked God for answers that He can't give me now. I wished for a different reality. I've hoped for a reality that doesn't give me panic attacks. I've prayed for a heart to defy my stubborn mind. All of this in vain.
And when I reached out for God to reassure me with knowledge, or forgetfulness, or joy beyond understanding - He said something I didn't want Him to say.
He said be faithful. He said learn from everyone, quiet your arrogance that you "know", sweet girl, you don't. He said you need help - you always have. He said give me those burdens, love. Stop with your distractions. Stop with your busyness. You keep looking to people for empathy and healing. I am your empathy. I was a man, for you - and my children. Humanity understands your tears, so do I. But I also knew you'd cry them before your life began. Don't you think my heart breaks?
I've been trying to force myself into "Hope" but the Lord has asked me to sit in "Cope". He has me here for good reason, and I'm not fighting it anymore. I am listening. I've spent a lot of time away from my creative space because nothing seems to flow or fit like it did. But it's because I wasn't supposed to be talking.
And perhaps one of the sweetest gifts is that in the silence that surrounds my heart - God has used music to make me feel loved. I pray that in your life, in the most confusing, saddest moments God carries you in the unique way the world can't parallel His efforts. For me it's playlists of healing. Songs that remind me He is worthy of praise in every season, songs that challenge me to be honest, and songs that tell me how to share His grace.
A lot of songs have hit me lately, but none like NF's new song, "If You Want Love". I want love for my life. I want to be a reflection of the Father's love. In the darkness of our world - some nights I just pray, "love for my world, love". I kept feeling like light wasn't here or worth the fight. I let myself be lazy and listen to Satan's delusions. I was not promised a life without trouble, none of us were. This song tells me that's okay, but if I want love - I'm going to have to treat it like it matters and that means being uncomfortable.
If you want love, you gonna have to go through the pain
I feel this line for the joy and honor I had in my mom. I was so loved by her and vice versa. To feel that presence of unconditional love for so long, in her absence I have pain. That pain is proof - I was so cherished, and I was blessed beyond belief.
If you want love, you gonna have to learn how to change
I feel this in my relationships. I can't thrive without compromise. I can't express compassion without making room for someone else's preferences. In my context, I have to challenge my thoughts, any hidden prejudices, and lose the fear of being misunderstood. I must pursue grace instead.
If you want trust, you gonna have to give some away
I am honestly the least trusting person I know. Not that blind trust is always a good thing, but I am skeptical to a fault. I rarely allow people my full trust. It's crippling, I can only imagine. But this line I feel most for the Lord. I want Him to help me trust, but I never give any trust. I'm just always ready on the defense for when someone fails me.
But I want love.
And there's one thing I'm learning love is: faithful. all weather. regardless. showing up. full of grace. tired, but present. Understanding. Quiet in pain. sits by you.
"If you want love, you gonna have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gonna have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gonna have to give some away
If you want love, if you want love"
-NF
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